The Shittiest weekend ever

Yeah. Oh I got fucked good this weekend. Real good.

1. I got my period. Fuck you, you motherfucking-like-clockwork- monthly asshole. You always know how to fuck me over at the right time. It's like we're married. At the same time, I thank you for the little sign that I'm not pregnant. That's the pot of gold at the end of your cursed little rainbow. I hate you, monthly period. I always did.

2. I got fucked up with booze and pot last night. I never learn to NOT mix the two. Double downers is what I don't fuckin' need.
I hate downers. I hate it when the room spins AND i'm paranoid.
The whole night, I was paranoid about peeing myself. No, there's no logic to it and I don't have the tendency to pee on myself but when I smoke pot, logic leaves the building. I'm a control freak...I need to be aware at all times. Especially in public. I hold on to my purse like there's a million dollars in it. I'm totally not cool. I'm all for mood enhancers, however, it has to be UP not down and all freaked out. I hate it when I turn into Woody Allen.

3. Last night was ugly night. All the trolls came out from under the bridge and hit my places. Even completely wasted, I had no desire to fuck anyone. I thought I saw my surfer dude, but it was a chick in a ponytail. She's wasn't too bad either. I would have done her over the trolls, no doubt. I should have asked her for her number.

4. I went to a gay bar with my girlfriend and her gay dude friend.
Looks like the ugly bomb hit every place I was at. Aren't gay guys supposed to be gorgeous? Pickins were slim even for the gay. Kinda redeemed me bit; no one's getting fucked tonight.

5. i ordered uppers online and it's been a month and I haven't received anything yet. I think I got fucked in the worst way possible. No orgasm...no pills....nothing.

6. I had a bad hair night. I hated my hair. I felt bloated because of my period. Although I wasn't at my peak sexiness last night, I would have settled for some heavy petting. Regardless of how many substances I'm on, my selection radar is always in tact. I'm still a picky motherfucker. A mixed blessing sometimes. Trolls need never apply. There's no such thing as a troll with sex appeal. I'd never forgive myself anyway.

What the fuck happened? I leave for two weeks and my options disappear and all there's left is a muddy haze of mediocrity.
I swear, I'll never leave again and surfer....wherever you are...FIND ME! I know I wasn't keen on throwing baloney slices at your naked body for points, but I think I'm open to it right now.